Polar bears, Boosh dwellings and SVFD mach II

I have nothing that I have to do today… well until Emily and I go and buy the Christmas food this evening. It feels weird. I’m not sure how to cope with all this freedom. There are probably several adminny type tasks I should tackle. So far, I have decided to stay in bed. I set a good example. It has been a busy weekend so far though.

Friday was the famous Frank Brinkley’s birthday, which meant that the NaNo crew was out in full force at Chandos. I had a bit of a reverse evening and arrived rather drunk after leaving drinks that started with beers in the afternoon, slowly sobering up as the night went on. Fortunately Frank saw the humour in Sarah and my rather unusual birthday gift. We gave him a framed picture of the two of us grinning like this:

Who wouldn’t want such a display of beauty.

The evening ended with us going to see the polar bear statue in Trafalgar Square. It’s really cool. It’s a metal frame of a polar bear skeleton covered in ice and the ice is slowly melting as a symbol of the effect of global warming on the polar ice caps. We were slightly distracted by the rabidly drunk teenage girls who had taken a fancy to Frank and Ian and were now following us around like lost (somewhat frightening) puppies. Fortunately we escaped intact though.

In the morning I eventually dragged myself out of bed and headed to Jenn and Claire’s house near Finsbury Park for Christmas cookie baking and decoration. I was in my elephant since there is little that excites me as much as multicoloured icing. Jenn’s incredible array of baking equipment puts mine to absolute shame. I had the worst possible kitchen envy you can imagine. The highlight of the decorating (you know aside from Sarah’s frighteningly anatomically correct sugar cookie men) was decorating gingerbread houses. Mine ended up looking like the house that Boosh built. Behold:

I had to leave at 5 but for good reasons since it was time for the second annual Secret Vegetarian Festive dinner. Carnage once again ensued. There was wine everywhere, the kitchen looked like a bomb went off it, everyone brought bizarre secret Santa gifts… although mine from Tash was clearly the best… playing cards, chocolate and more. I don’t know how she got it all for a fiver. Lucy once again wowed us with her comic book of us, but I’m not sure what was behind Robert’s unlabelled vitamin pill attempt. At least this year I didn’t end up on the sofa wailing, “my brain is too small” for half an hour. Thank-you to everyone who came and I hope you all made it home on the night bus!

Let the wild rumpus begin!

The festive season is hurtling along at breakneck speed and I am doing my best to hold on for dear life and make it to the other side without having a nervous breakdown.

Yesterday I had lunch with Frank at Abeno. The novelty of okonomiyaki definitely appealed to his sense of childlike enthusiasm for everything… well most things, touching not included, and we both watched our waitress/chef in fascination while consuming our side dish of rather strange spinachy stuff. Also we talked about my novel, which he has recently read. I was feeling kind of down on it before that after rereading it and despairing at the amateurish horror but some really constructive feedback from Frank, made me feel a lot better and I’m actually looking forward to the edit. Thank-youuuuu, Frank!

The evening held the “marketing comedy awards” which was dreamed up by our marketing directors. I was convinced that everyone would be in fancy dress… of course only I really took it seriously and got my Halloween costume out again. I find it very hard to be normal in that get-up and ended up doing this pose a lot… I admit… I’m pretty fucking creepy.

I shot out of work this evening to meet up with Sarah for dinner and Daniel a little later so the three of us could go and see Where The Wild Things Are. The movie of the book that inspired my whole life. Big thank-you to Daniel for the full tackle hug that he threw at Sarah and I when he arrived. What can I say? It was ridiculously gorgeous and summed up the rage and alienation that goes along with being a child and trying to fit into a family. Max Records is beyond incredible and if you ever lived in your own imagination as a child, you have to see this film… NOW!

Next few days? Frank’s birthday party, cookie baking, Secret Vegetarian Festive Dinner and Christmas food shopping. Pass the gin, please!

Film study… week 21

Kinsey
A biopic about biologist, Alfred Kinsey (Liam Neeson), who became fascinated with the field of sexual research, leading to the publication of one of the first works in which science addresses sexual behaviour as well as the Kinsey sexuality scale. Kinsey’s obsession with the scientific side of sex as well as his exploration of his own sexual appetites is fascinating. Worth checking out.

I told you we should spring for the extra large condoms, dear!

La Battaglia Di Algerie
A study of the decade leading up to Algieria’s independence from France in 1962 with a focus on the Muslim leaders of the revolution during occupation. What makes this film really interesting is the absolute matter-of-fact way that it presents something that would have been turned into some kind of hero-epic if Hollywood ever got its hands on it. It makes everything seem very real and tangible. Very thought provoking.

Mom, how many times to I have to tell you, you don't have to bring your gun to the supermarket!

La Haine
A young Parisian man lies in hospital after an act of police brutality in the French equivalent of a council estate, while his friends (lead by a very Young Vincent Cassel) stalk the streets having found the missing gun of a cop the night before. Dark, gritty and intense. Hubert Koundé completely steals the show as a tough boxer, wrestling with his own conscience.

Is this the face that inspired Shrek?

Ladri Di Biciclette
When a desperate man finally finds a job in post-war Rome, that requires him to have a bicycle, his wife pawns their sheets for him to get it. His hope of dragging his family out of poverty is crushed, when a day into the job, the bicycle is stolen and he takes to the streets with his young son, Bruno, to try and find it. It sounds so simple, but this film is absolutely stunning. The little boy who plans Bruno is incredible.

Don't tell your mom, but today I think we should take the bicycle and ride dirty!

A poem about Christmas

Some festive verse for all of you to enjoy:

Christmas Presence

The decorations Matilda chose
were not as festive as you’d suppose
She bypassed sparkling red and green
and picked skulls and graves left from Halloween
When her friends came around on Christmas day
not a single one knew what to say
But Matilda showed no concern,
over the years she had come to learn
that no matter who was in her latitude
she never felt anything but solitude
apart from death’s constant presence
and the icy fingers of its beautiful elegance

Truth be told she never felt more levity
than celebrating her own end’s inevitability
So after dinner, her coup de grace
was to stare her macabre future directly in the face
and bring about with alarming haste
the dream she had held since the first time she’d waked
In front of every esteemed guest,
she plunged a candy cane deep in her chest
and commemorated her last Yule fest
by going to her final, eternal rest

And the winner is…

So after a finale almost as dramatic as the X-Factor , the results are in on the iPod voting  and Helena has an official new owner. The voting was not without drama as the “contestants” rallied support, in fact there was even a veiled allegation of vote rigging but at midnight last night when the voting closed, the results stood as follows:

• Lindsey and Wilhelm – 3 votes each
• Frank – 6 votes
• Geoff – 27 votes

AND THE WINNER…

foreverjuly with a whopping 33 votes.

This means Helena will be shipped off to Japan to start a new life as consort to foreverjuly’s laptop, Troy and I will hopefully be getting a catbus for my efforts. Send me your address, dude… the tunes are in the mail!

Sushi and singstar… the sequel

About three years ago when Dawn, Kerry and I were young whippersnappers we  invited Barb, Justin and Pete around, made sushi and got out the singstar in our old flat, Clinique Towers. Although there were only six of us, we managed to trash the entire flat and it was one of the best “house parties” I’ve ever been to.

With that as our legacy, Dawn decided to arrange a sequel at her place and so we donned fancy dress kit of our choice, Dawn made sushi, I made green tea cupcakes and we headed on down. Most of us decided to go totally 80’s (these are all my normal clothes… yes, really).

But Dawn and Ron went for the angel-devil look.

There was much drinking and dancing and I discovered sake at the hands of Kieron. Delicious. I want moooooore! I did some shocking singing… I don’t think Just Like Heaven has ever been murdered quite like that before. In the end Emily, Laura and I ended up skanking to Mad Caddies and Reel Big Fish in the kitchen.

Despite stumbling home and passing out, I woke up with zero hangover this morning. Ah gin… you are my best friend. Let’s stay together forever.

Who gets my ipod… YOU decide!

I have wanted a new ipod for ages. I love Helena, my little green Nano, but her brain is too small and I keep getting struck with the desire to listen to songs and then not having them with me. So on Wednesday, in typical Abbi-impulse style, I ordered a 160GB Classic from the Apple store. This ipod has been named Vanora, which was Laura’s suggestion and only just won out in a vote over Valencia, suggested by Mai. (I won’t be listening to any Nelly Retardo on it though).

Vanora

I figured with a new ipod in my life, it would only be fair to find Helena a new home and since I believe the more you give away, the more you get back, I decided to give her away to whoever could make the greatest case for ownership. I have five contenders via twitter and facebook, and I couldn’t decide… so I want y’all to vote. These are the options:

Frank: I’ve never owned an ipod and I’ll tweet you my 1000th tweet AND i’ll do a dance for you. How’s that? Also I’m ugly! (his words, not mine… I actually think Frank is really cute)

foreverjuly: Always wanted to visit Helena, Montana, but I fear I will never make it there. Only an ipod with that name could comfort me. My laptop is named Troy and so it’s only natural for a Helena to go to it. Plus I’ll pay shipping (he’s in Japan) or could cover it or send you back a nifty souvenir (I’ve asked for a catbus if he wins).

Lindsey: Might actually convince me to listen to music more often; don’t listen enough to be able to BUY one! Lol!

Wilhelm: Shotgun! I’ll blackmail you! I’ll help you cook Christmas lunch! (I said I managed alone last year). I’ll sabotage Christmas lunch!

Geoff: What about a poor little South African boy who lives in a poverty stricken country:

Please Help
No Food
No Job…
10 Children to Feed
Need 8GB ipod nano

God Blass

So who do you think deserves to be Helena’s new benefactor. Vote now… it’s more exciting than X-factor! (Votes close Monday).

I have a dream…

Kids, I have a dream… and it’s probably not what you think. My dream does not involve kidnapping Mat Devine and using him for nefarious purposes, being a drag queen, going somewhere in the Tardis, getting one of my dubious works of fiction published, joining the circus, becoming a tour manager or even appearing on Nevermind The Buzzcocks (look, I’m even willing to be in the identity parade, call me!).

What I really dream about is opening an alternative cake shop. I want to open a coffee shop called The Skull & Hibiscus that I can decorate in 50’s rockabilly diner style with an Ed Hardy-esque tattoo theme. Think wallpaper that looks like this:

With this as the waitress uniform:

There will be an old school jukebox playing dark, bluesy tunes and  I’ll be able to bake all day and serve all my little creations to the passing traffic from black bottom cupcakes to peppermint crisp tarts… and maybe just maybe, one or two copies of The Bakery Of Discontent, which Zarina and WILL work on one day when we have five minutes, I swear. What do you guys think? Would you come around?

It might very well be snowing in Morocco, to be fair, Bob…

Those who have been reading this blog for a while may remember some conversations I had with a very special character we nicknamed Anonymous Boy. He was the one who thought Africa was one country and it was all a desert. In case you don’t remember, you can read about it here.

For a long time I was baffled by where he got this perception, since although his spelling, grammar and logic was somewhat flawed, he didn’t seem to be completely mentally deficient or incapable of grasping basic concepts. But now… courtesy of a twitter conversation with Tash, I think I’ve figured out who to blame… Bob Geldoff.

Have any of you ever listened closely to the lyrics of “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

It’s Christmastime
There’s no need to be afraid
At Christmastime, we let in light and we banish shade
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime

But say a prayer

Pray for the other ones
At Christmastime it’s hard, but when you’re having fun
There’s a world outside your window
And it’s a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas

bells that ring there are the clanging
chimes of doom
Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you

And there won’t be snow in Africa this Christmastime
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
(Oooh) Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?

(Here’s to you) raise a glass for everyone
(Here’s to them) underneath that burning sun
Do they know it’s Christmastime at all?

Feed the world
Feed the world
Feed the world
Let them know it’s Christmastime again
Feed the world
Let them know it’s Christmastime again

(Bob Geldof & Midge Ure)

Let’s have a little look at some blinding issues with these lyrics:

There won’t be any snow in Africa this Christmastime: surely that’s more about climate than poverty. I can’t remember anyone ever saying, god I wish we had more money so it would snow?? Anyway, there are ski resorts in Morocco, where it may very well snow at Christmas so there. It also won’t be snowing in London, Sydney or Southern California… maybe it’s time to expand some of the aid to these snow-impoverished nations too.

Where nothing ever grows: The UK imports 14% of all it’s fruit from African nations including South Africa, Cameroon, Ivory Coast, Kenya and Egypt… wrong again Bob.

No rain nor rivers flow: Clearly he’s missed out on the glory of a Highveld thunder storm… there are also upwards of 60 rivers in Africa, including the NILE, which happens to be the longest river in the world and flows through Egypt, Ethiopia, Burundi and Sudan.

Do they know it’s Christmastime at all: I’m going to go with probably not and they’re unlikely to care since 45% of the continent is Muslim and couldn’t give a toss about your Christian holiday.

I’m sure Sir Bob’s heart was in the right place but his facts were severely lacking and I can’t help but wonder how much good this kind of bizarre imagining of Africa does. It’s almost as bad as this horrendous Cadbury’s advert that depicts African’s as grinning childlike buffoons.

How is this supposed to break down this “us” and “them” perception between the developed and the developing world

Film study… week 20

Ken Park
After the suicide of a young skateboarder, the eponymous Ken Park, four disaffected teenagers who knew him tell their stories. With a dubious connection not only to Ken Park but also to each other, apart from a surprisingly sweet but weird threesome) this seems like an excuse to string together a series of disturbing scenarios, rather than telling any kind of coherent story. Maybe I just didn’t get it but I really wouldn’t bother.

When you suggested that I do some chores for my allowance, mom, this was not what I had in mind!

Kidulthood
A group of inner city London teenagers is given a day off after their bullied classmate commits suicide. In the lead up to an inevitably bloody conclusion at the party taking place that night they engage in sex, drugs and violence while finding out a lot about themselves and each other and what they can and can’t handle. Despite the fact that there is an element of caricature and heavy-handedness in the script, I really liked this and found it really identifiable as a London resident.

How come we can never find those Cullens when we feel like playing baseball?

Kiki’s Delivery Service
I’m a huge Miyazaki fan and this tale of a young witch leaving home and starting up her own delivery business was charming, but it’s not his best. Maybe it was because I had the English dub rather than the original Japanese with subtitles. It still kicks Disney’s lame ass but it’s no Spirited Away or My Neighbour Tortoro.

Where's Wally goes aerial

Kingdom Of Heaven
A blacksmith (Orlando Bloom) loses his young wife to suicide (it’s fricking suicide city this week) after the stillbirth of their baby. Questioning his faith, he pops off his priest brother (a detail which seems to be swept under the rug almost immediately), discovers that his absent father (Liam Neeson) is a knight and heads for Jerusalem to join the Crusades. Somehow, it seems through knobbing the lepromatous king’s already married sister, he becomes the defender of Jerusalem and then whinges and pours boiling oil on people for two and a half hours before coming to the amazing moral conclusion that lyk Christens an Muzlims can be frendz, innit? Cuz religionz an ting iz all bullshit, yeah? The shame here is that I almost thought Orlando (I should have just stayed an elf) was hot for three seconds after he got out of the bath naked.

It was only when they gave her the sword that Pippi Longstocking realised that her superhuman strength and manly appearance had gottten her into trouble again