The first St Trinian’s film was kind of cute and funny in its irreverent silliness but making a second one was just overkill. It smacks of an attempt to cash in and you can tell that it was a vastly inferior product by the fact that half the original cast didn’t return and those that did seem embarrassed to be there. There are secret societies and pirates and a treasure… and David Tennant, but not even he can save it. Avoid.

Made In Chelsea... Nights!

Platoon

A young Vietnam War volunteer (a remarkably fresh-faced Charlie Sheen) finds himself in a platoon where the boundaries of right and wrong have been worn away by the horrors of war. When two rival sergeants (Tom Berenger and Willem Defoe) clash over the treatment of some villagers, the platoon must take sides with fatal consequences. This seminal war film personifies the genre and is a must-see, although be prepared to leave feeling utterly disgusted with humanity.

Somehow the 1972 Vietnam Hunks calendar just wasn't flying off the shelves

Limitless

Bradley Cooper plays an unemployed writer who is introduced to NZT, a drug that allows him to use 100% of his brain. Soon he is rich and successful beyond his wildest dreams but when the side-effects of the drug manifest themselves he realises he might be in way over his head. This actually really wasn’t bad. Cooper is believable as both a loser and a slick genius and although I initially scoffed at the ending, in hindsight it was actually rather clever. The only real downside is the lack of chemistry between Cooper and Abbie Cornish, who plays his put-upon girlfriend.

And den de wurds just fallz from de sky... and dat's how I writez de book

Wuthering Heights

In order to clarify which one of the numerous adaptations of Emily Brontë’s Gothic novel, I’m talking about. This is the 1992 version, starring Juliette Binoche and Ralph Fiennes as cursed lovers, Cathy and Heathcliffe. We all know the story, posh Cathy falls in love with her wild foster brother, Heathcliff. Cathy spurns Heathcliff for more refined friends, Heathcliff takes umbrage and runs off, only to return and ruin everyone’s life out of spite. This should have worked but Fiennes isn’t broodingly beautiful enough to pull off Heathcliffe (I keep looking at him and seeing Voldemort) and I’m pretty sure, Yorkshire lass, Cathy didn’t have a thick French accent… read the book.

And this year's Oscar for best use of Smell The Fart Acting goes to...

I mean, I wasn’t exactly expecting it to suddenly become efficient or spacious or less full of dickheads… but when you haven’t been on the tube for a while you suddenly forget just how soul-destroying commuting is.

I don’t think this is exclusively a public transport phenomenon, while in car-crazy South Africa I heard enough of my friends exclaim with glee how empty the roads are in December in Johannesburg and I’ve seen enough wall posts on facebook cursing the traffic and the broken “robots” as I’ve seen “I hate the tube!”

I guess the best way to cope with the creeping rage as someone rests their bag, face… self… on you or shoves you out of the way to nab the last seat or demands that you move down when the only available space is clearly the luggage rack (same goes for when someone cuts you off, stops randomly or runs a red light) is to remember that that they’re all just trying to get to work and that they’re just has harassed and exhausted as you are.

That would probably be the most karma-friendly approach. Unfortunately I’ve never mastered this approach. I prefer to fantasise about how I might murder everyone who has crossed me on my daily journey (read epic battle of doom) to and from work. I also like to intersperse this with occasional thrown elbows, dirty looks and well-timed toe trampling.

I am relatively sure that the amount of negative energy I have transmitted into the universe in the last twelve days has probably put me into negative karma for the rest of the year, however I just can’t stop imagining burning the luggage of every tourist who crosses my path… and if I’m honest… it feels pretty good.

So before I end up becoming the next Kazran Sardick, does anyone have any good rage busting tips… apart from actually pea-shooting people with prams?

It could be worse...

Richard Gere plays, Julian, a stylish male escort who is framed for the murder of one of his clients, just as he begins a relationship with a local politician’s wife (Lauren Hutton). I heard this was brilliant but I found it all a bit… meh. I guess it was exploring sexual taboos in the 80’s when it was released but now a lot of it just seems a bit old hat. The score is good though.

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me!

Shame

On the more modern side of the sexual taboo rollercoaster, is current release, Shame, featuring Michael Fassbender as Brandon a successful New Yorker burying his feelings in a voracious but empty sex life. When his messed-up sister (Cary Mulligan) arrives unannounced, she unsettles his carefully managed life with devastating consequences. Fassbender is extraordinary in the role of someone so emotionally stunted that he incapable of communicating on any genuine level until it’s too late. Must-see… but expect to leave the cinema feeling battered and be warned… there is no fear of nudity in this one…

The only reason you can't see my penis in this shot is because I have my back to you

Jane Eyre

More Fassbender. This time he’s playing Mr Rochester to Mia Wasikowska’s Jane Eyre in the latest screen adaptation of the eponymous novel. While all the atmosphere of the moors is delivered and Fassbender is a satisfyingly sexy Rochester, the creeping tension and mystery that makes the novel so unputdownable, just isn’t quite there. I suspect that if you hadn’t have read the book it would have been fab but having read the book… it didn’t measure up.

What do you mean, I'm overdressed? Didn't you see my penis in Shame!

Source Code

A US soldier stationed in Iraq (Jake Gyllenhaal) wakes up on a train in a stranger’s body with no recollection of how he got there. When the train is destroyed he discovers that he’s part of a government mission to foil a terrorist plot but what is it that they’re not telling him? This isn’t bad at all unless you’ve seen Inception and if you haven’t seen Inception… just go and see Inception!

Where did I leave that spatula? Think, Jake! Think!

Back to the classics with this one. During an ocean cruise, Terry McKay (Deborah Kerr) meets famous man-about-town, Nickie Ferrante (Cary Grant). Although neither of them is available, they fall in love and agree to meet six months later at the top of the Empire State Building, but something prevents Terry from arriving and their burgeoning romance is put under threat.  I know this film is supposed to be the height of romance but I was a bit puzzled by the fact that the spanner in the works appears to be mostly around a woman’s fear that a man will reject her because she is disabled… which I just couldn’t get my head around.

Look, darling, I know I had the garlic last night but can we please at least sit at the same table!

St Elmo’s Fire

This Brat Pack classic follows the lives of a group of friends as they leave college and struggle to come to terms with the real world. The themes are pretty broad in this one… drug addiction, infidelity, bizarre obsessions with virtual strangers, sex and sexuality… some bits are great and some bits are a bit predictable… but if you’re a fan of the 80’s you’ll enjoy it… especially if you like a bit of Andrew McCarthy… woof!

The 80's... when bad hair happened to good people

Crazy, Stupid, Love

When suburban dad, Cal’s (Steve Carrell) marriage breaks down, he seeks advice from serial seducer, Jacob (Ryan Gosling) but Jacob is not immune to the lure of real love and Cal can’t quite suppress the inner dorky dad lurking between his new smooth exterior. This film is charming but a bit forgettable. There are really funny bits, particularly the abortive one night stand between Jacob and reluctant conquest, Hannah (Emma Stone).

So what do you think? Is it a pimple or just a freckle?

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

In this second instalment of Guy Ritchie’s reboot of the Sherlock Holmes adventures, Holmes (Robert Downey Jnr) and his faithful sidekick, Watson (Jude Law… who should never, ever remove his moustache) face their most challenging foe yet, elusive career criminal, Professor Moriarty (Jared Harris), a maniac hell bent on causing a world war for the sake of profit. I won’t deny that round two is full of blistering action, loads of laughs and enough of Holmes’ odd quirks to keep anyone entertained… it’s just not quite as good as the first one. Not that that should prevent you from seeing it, since it’s still better than most other things out there. Oh, and for the naysayers who say that Ritchie has turned Holmes from an academic into an action hero… I’d suggest that you actually read some Arthur Conan Doyle… he was always an action hero!

Holmes suddenly wondered if replacing hair gel with gunpowder was a good idea...

There is no way to describe our trip other than awesome… despite the fact that on the way to Johannesburg we got stuck in Frankfurt for 14 hours. Damn you, Lufthansa!

While all the time we spent hanging out in Joburg and exploring Stellenbosch, there were two major highlights to the trip. The first highlight was Lauren and Beert’s amazing wedding at which I got to be a bridesmaid.  The “flame of love” themed ceremony took place at Kaapsehoop near Nelspruit, a stunning small town resort surrounded by wild horses. Although the beautiful bride was impressively zen I can’t help but think that I must have caused some stress since the Lufthansa debacle meant we only arrived three hours before the wedding!

The other highlight was Paul and my second wedding. From my perspective it was quite different from the first wedding. In one way it was much more relaxed but I might have over relaxed since I woke up four days before the wedding and realised that I had done almost nothing. Fortunately I had Maid-Of-Honour Extraordinaire, Bronwyn Costine, at my side… without whom there might not have been a wedding at all.

This time the wedding took place at my old high school, which might sound a bit random, but the building is incredibly beautiful. We exchanged our vows under the trees in the front garden, with Lauren as our chief ceremoniser and then danced the night away in the hall. This time we went the whole hog and had our first dance to the slightly unusual choice of I Got Love by The King Blues. I think the show might have been stolen somewhat by Nolan and his seven month old daughter, Aiden, joining us for the father-daughter/mother-son dance.

I can’t thank everyone who helped us with the preparations enough. It was such a special day. Below are just a few photos from the day… and no you do not want to know what it took to get my hair that big…

After the death of his mother, Victor Frankenstein (Kenneth Branagh) becomes obsessed with creating artificial life, but the man he creates (Robert De Niro) terrifies him and Frankenstein leaves him to die.  Unfortunately for Frankenstein, the monster survives and is desperate for revenge. Compared to the cartoon depictions of Frankenstein I’m used to this was extremely creepy and De Niro is barely recognisable as the tortured monster. I’m off to read the book now.

Alex Reed was pretty sure his latest publicity stunt was going to do nothing for his career as a drag artist

The Hurt Locker

After the death of their commanding officer (Guy Pearce), an elite US army bomb squad falls under the command of a maverick sergeant (Jeremy Renner), who is battling not only the Iraqi terrorist threat but also his own demons. The tension created by watching the soldiers disable bombs that could go off at any second is matched only by the intense emotional trauma that they desperately try to manage in order to do their jobs. This is nail biting stuff and definitely worth a watch if you like your war movies.

Neil Armstong had a sneaking suspicion that he'd screwed up somewhere in the navigational planning

Play It Again, Sam

Allan (Woody Allen) is the absolute essence of neuroses. He over thinks absolutely everything, obsessing over minor inconsequential details and destroying his relationship with his wife in the process. When she leaves him, he turns to his best friends, married couple, Linda (Diane Keaton) and Dick (Tony Roberts), leading to a hilarious foray into the world of dating, with the spectre of Humphrey Bogart (Jerry Lacy) literally following him around.  This film has some serious laugh out loud moments and shows Woody Allen at his comic best.

You are a strong and beautiful woman... no one can take your spirit

The Basketball Diaries

In this film adaptation of writer, Jim Carroll’s teenage diaries, a promising basketball player’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) life spirals into crime, prostitution and homelessness after he becomes addicted to heroin. This is Leonardo at his waiflike, angelic teenage best and watching him go from that to absolutely ruined is harrowing. This will remind you why he’s genuinely a brilliant actor. Not an easy watch but a good one.

Shake it, shake it, shake it like a polaroid picture!

We are flying off this afternoon and won’t be back on British soil until 10 January.

I have lined up one last Friday Film Study for you for tomorrow though, so look out for that.

For now, Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year. I will return with stories of South African Home Affairs, hot weather, BBQ festive dinners and yet another 50’s style wedding extravaganza.

Look… Christmas puppies!!!

It’s 19^th century Edinburgh and the physicians of the day are somewhat puzzled about what actually goes on inside the human body, meaning that there is a high demand for fresh corpses and a spate of grave robbing. When hapless Irish immigrants, William Burke (Simon Pegg) and William Hare (Andy Serkis), discover that murder is rather more profitable than grave robbing, hilarity of the darker variety occurs. There is no question that Andy Serkis acts everyone else in this film into the ground and that it has a decidedly home-made feel about it but I found it entertaining enough, especially for the gigglesome sex scenes between Serkis and Jessica Hynde.

Santa: You're doing it wrong

You Can Count On Me

Single mom, Sammy’s (Laura Linney) life is complicated enough, but the simultaneous arrival of a nitpicking new boss (Matthew Broderick) and her unpredictable, drifter brother, Terry (Mark Ruffalo) throws her into turmoil. This is one of those films where nothing happens but it is beautifully acted and Linney’s turn as the flawed but caring, Sammy is excellent and Ruffalo shines as the well-meaning but confused, Terry. It’s a good watch as a study of sibling relationships, but make sure you’re in the right mood because the pace can drag a little.

I'm telling you, this tomato was the size of a human head!

The Scouting Book For Boys

When young teen, David (Thomas Turgoose) finds out that his best friend, Emily (Holliday Grainger) will have to leave the caravan park they live in, he agrees to help her go into hiding. It’s not long though before David is in way over his head and the burgeon sexual feelings he has for Emily turn to something much darker as he uncovers a devastating fact that Emily has been keeping from him. I will admit that I found the first hour or so of this film a bit boring but it quickly becomes harrowingly dark and after that I was glued. Not to be watched if you need cheering up but it’s an impressively creepy tale.

Hardcore Parkour!

St Trinian’s

Did St Trinian’s have a plot? Not really… something about saving the school from its creditors. Was the writing good? No. Was the acting good? No. Did I actually rather like it? Well, ashamedly, yes. I’m not sure if it was because my mum had a bunch of St Trinians cartoon books that I loved as a child or if maybe it was because I went to an all girls school and it took me back 15 years to my pyjama party days, but I found myself rather entertained. I wouldn’t in any way mistake this for a piece of cinema brilliance but it doesn’t take itself too seriously and it made me chuckle.

Mean Girls... the British reboot

Over the weekend I received a delivery of two bridesmaids’ dresses for the South African wedding. Mr Osbiston and I were both in at the time, but the parcel, which was kindly sent signed for delivery by Vivien of Holloway, was half shoved in the post box, with a “friendly” note that said, “tried the bell a couple of times, no one answered.” Really? Our buzzer reverberates through the flat like a cat in a blender. Heaven forbid we’d been away for the weekend or off on the weekly shop before we went to check on the post. That was strike one.

Strike two involved the postman’s lack of reading ability. We live in 76A. On occasion we get 76’s post. In fact we have had an angry postman at the door, furious that we wouldn’t sign for their parcels even though I explained that 76 is next door. That I can half understand but recently we have also started getting 78’s post… as well as relabelled post that has been mistakenly delivered two roads over.

This means I now have to redistribute all the mail before I go to work in the morning. Is this pure laziness? And on my behalf or that of the postman?

I attempted to find this out from Royal Mail via twitter and the conversation went like this:

From their initial response, I get the impression that they’re not going to be all too bothered by any formal complaints I make.

I’m now waiting for strike three… after which I am going to wait on the front step with a katty and a determined look on my face. Postman… you are my mielie lady…

It is comforting to know that not just amateur writers struggle with describing the “act of love” (I’m already cringing). In fact, some pro-writers have created scenes of such horror that The Literary Review now does an annual Bad Sex Awards, where the dodgiest sex scene from an actual published work of fiction is awarded the title.

I have been following the Literary Reviews tweets at @lit_review and I have some concerns as to whether some of the writers have actually ever had sex. With that in mind, below are some of my very favourite entries.

“Now he realised that he was inside [her], ejaculating toward her uterus.” – Grim

“He poked her now from the front and now from the back and now from the side.” – The side? What shape are this woman’s bits?

“she felt as though she were melting into a pool of delight, as his hand reached the soft fur of her mound” – brings new meaning to the phrase “panty hamster”

“She gave him this particular sign, this clear permission, and he began a careful prodding of her perineum.” – Prodding… PRODDING???

“His manhood had swelled to its fullness and strove for release.” – Mind of its own, it has!

“It surged up, until with volcanic release, it engulfed them.” – Engulfed them? Must have been some time since he, er, released prior to this.

“His middle fingertip settled on the no-man’s-land between her ‘front parlor’ and ‘back door’.” – Double grim!

“He kissed her again, slowly, felt the inside of her mouth with his tongue, then her neck.” –There seems to be a physical impossibility here…

“He came, standing, with both hands thrown high up over his head” – Waiting for a score from the judges?

“Where is my semen going? [His] garbled mind wondered.” – Um… really?

The prize will be awarded tomorrow, so make sure you check out the Lit Review’s website to find out who the “lucky” winner is…