Sex doesn’t get worse than this…

Those of you who are writers will know that one of the most challenging things you ever have to face is the dreaded sex scene. Writing something that doesn’t inspire your reader’s cringe (or even worse, gag) reflex is a special talent that not everyone possesses and, dare I say, not everyone can learn.

It is comforting to know that not just amateur writers struggle with describing the “act of love” (I’m already cringing). In fact, some pro-writers have created scenes of such horror that The Literary Review now does an annual Bad Sex Awards, where the dodgiest sex scene from an actual published work of fiction is awarded the title.

I have been following the Literary Reviews tweets at @lit_review and I have some concerns as to whether some of the writers have actually ever had sex. With that in mind, below are some of my very favourite entries.

“Now he realised that he was inside [her], ejaculating toward her uterus.” – Grim

“He poked her now from the front and now from the back and now from the side.” – The side? What shape are this woman’s bits?

“she felt as though she were melting into a pool of delight, as his hand reached the soft fur of her mound” – brings new meaning to the phrase “panty hamster”

“She gave him this particular sign, this clear permission, and he began a careful prodding of her perineum.” – Prodding… PRODDING???

“His manhood had swelled to its fullness and strove for release.” – Mind of its own, it has!

“It surged up, until with volcanic release, it engulfed them.” – Engulfed them? Must have been some time since he, er, released prior to this.

“His middle fingertip settled on the no-man’s-land between her ‘front parlor’ and ‘back door’.” – Double grim!

“He kissed her again, slowly, felt the inside of her mouth with his tongue, then her neck.” –There seems to be a physical impossibility here…

“He came, standing, with both hands thrown high up over his head” – Waiting for a score from the judges?

“Where is my semen going? [His] garbled mind wondered.” – Um… really?

The prize will be awarded tomorrow, so make sure you check out the Lit Review’s website to find out who the “lucky” winner is…

NaNoWrimo 2011 – I’m a winner!

So it’s the 1st of December and NaNoWriM0 2011 is officially over. It’s been the hardest one yet for me. A very heavy work schedule, paired with planning a second wedding and finding it a lot more difficult to give my novel my undivided attention 50,000 words has been a very hard slog. The last 5,000 words being the toughest. Anyone who has been reading might have noticed that it gets a big rough from about chapter 13… but I did it and for the third year in a row, the elusive winner’s certificate is mine.

The story itself is not quite finished but I swear this time for everyone who has been reading, this time I really will finish. It only has a couple of chapters to go!

In case anyone still fancies reading my little dragon caper, you can do so here. A massive thanks to everyone who has donated to my very worthy charity appeal for Volunteer Reading Help. And if you’ve been waiting for me to finish before you donate … what are you waiting for! Donate here!

I need your money AKA Do it for the KIDS!!

Right peeps… so it’s the 15^th of November and it’s officially halfway through NaNoWriMo. Clearly my dedication to finishing my novel on time has meant that this blog has suffered… so I can only imagine that you’re all bored senseless with nothing to read.

I’d like to suggest that you come on over to my NaNo blog and have a little read of Edgar And The Dragon Slayer. I won’t deny that it’s pretty dire but the good news is that there are now 20,000 words of direness in six chapters for you to “enjoy” with another chapter going live tonight.

The other good news is that quite a few of you have been kind enough to donate to my cause and together we’ve raised £132 for Volunteer Reading Help. The bad news is that we need £500 to provide a volunteer for a kid for a year… so come one now… open up yer ‘earts as Aslef would say and donate me a few squid. No amount is too little. I will take word dares for money if that’s what it’s going to take… just leave them in the donation comments!

Help these little buggers learn to read so Waterstones also gets it in the next riots! (JOKES)

Now Live: The first part of this year’s NaNoWriMo novel

It’s November 2^nd and NaNoWriMo 2011 has officially been underway for approximately 39 hours. For those who are wondering what I’m talking about, you should probably read this blog.

The simple version is as follows:

• I, along with thousands of other nutters, will be writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days during the month of Now Live: The first part of this year’s NaNoWriMo novelNovember
• Unlike most of the nutters, I am actually willing to let you read my novel, live and unedited as I write it
• The reason I am doing this is because I want you to decide how much my nonsense ramblings are worth and donate to my new favourite charity
• The aforementioned new favourite charity is Volunteer Reading Help
• Volunteer Reading Help, provides volunteers to help children who have fallen behind on their reading. VRH reading helpers work with children on a one-to-one basis giving them their full attention and support to increase overall confidence, improve reading levels and inspire a lifelong love of reading.
• This is cool because the connection between reading proficiency and success in later life is astounding
• It’s also cool because reading is one of the things that has made me who I am and I want to share that with others

Unlike previous years, I’m not going to make you donate to read my novel. I’d prefer you to go ahead and read it and then donate what you think it’s worth.

This year’s novel is called Edgar and The Dragon Slayer and this is the synopsis:

The son of a horror novelist and an aging rock star, Edgar has never felt as if he fit in with his eccentric family, and has consequently rebelled by becoming the most boring man alive. When his twin sister, Eugenia, is kidnapped by a dragon, he must put aside his fears and go on a quest to rescue her, unearthing some terrible (and hilarious) family secrets along the way.

The prologue is already live, so why not go over and have a read and if you get to the end of the post and think, that wasn’t as rubbish as I expected it to be, then drop me a little donation. I’ll be adding new chapters every couple of days… trust me, it’ll be worth it, there are trolls coming.

Help me choose who to support for this year’s NaNoWriMo fundraising effort

So after lots of soul searching, I have decided I am going to do NaNoWriMo this year. For those who don’t know what NaNoWriMo is or don’t remember my antics of previous years: National Novel Writing Month is a fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing on November 1. The goal is to write a 50,000 word, (approximately 175 page) novel by 11:59:59, November 30. This and this post of old might also help.

I am obviously insane since I am still planning another wedding and I never technically finished last year’s novel (hit the 50k mark but didn’t finish the story)… but what the hell…

Again I will be fundraising but this time I’m going to let anyone who wants to read my (probably terrible) novel and then donate what they think it’s worth. In the meantime I need some help deciding on who my charity should be this year. I’m quite keen on Volunteer Reading Help. VRH aims to build a nation of confident children who are literate for life. It recruits and trains volunteers to give the gift of reading to disadvantaged children. VRH reading helpers work in the most deprived areas of England to provide one-to-one support to children with poor literacy skills. They’re currently in partnership with the Evening Standard to address poor literacy levels in the UK.

I am open to suggestions though. Leave me a comment with a charity that you think is deserving and I’ll put it to a vote at the end of the month. It must be a charity that is already on Just Giving for ease of donations.