Those of you who are writers will know that one of the most challenging things you ever have to face is the dreaded sex scene. Writing something that doesn’t inspire your reader’s cringe (or even worse, gag) reflex is a special talent that not everyone possesses and, dare I say, not everyone can learn.
It is comforting to know that not just amateur writers struggle with describing the “act of love” (I’m already cringing). In fact, some pro-writers have created scenes of such horror that The Literary Review now does an annual Bad Sex Awards, where the dodgiest sex scene from an actual published work of fiction is awarded the title.
I have been following the Literary Reviews tweets at @lit_review and I have some concerns as to whether some of the writers have actually ever had sex. With that in mind, below are some of my very favourite entries.
“Now he realised that he was inside [her], ejaculating toward her uterus.” – Grim
“He poked her now from the front and now from the back and now from the side.” – The side? What shape are this woman’s bits?
“she felt as though she were melting into a pool of delight, as his hand reached the soft fur of her mound” – brings new meaning to the phrase “panty hamster”
“She gave him this particular sign, this clear permission, and he began a careful prodding of her perineum.” – Prodding… PRODDING???
“His manhood had swelled to its fullness and strove for release.” – Mind of its own, it has!
“It surged up, until with volcanic release, it engulfed them.” – Engulfed them? Must have been some time since he, er, released prior to this.
“His middle fingertip settled on the no-man’s-land between her ‘front parlor’ and ‘back door’.” – Double grim!
“He kissed her again, slowly, felt the inside of her mouth with his tongue, then her neck.” –There seems to be a physical impossibility here…
“He came, standing, with both hands thrown high up over his head” – Waiting for a score from the judges?
“Where is my semen going? [His] garbled mind wondered.” – Um… really?
The prize will be awarded tomorrow, so make sure you check out the Lit Review’s website to find out who the “lucky” winner is…