Archive for July, 2009

I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar…

Posted in Journal with tags , , on July 31, 2009 by Abbi

Those who follow me on Twitter or keep and eye on my Facebook statuses, might have noticed that I went on a couple of dates this week… both internet ones. I was reluctant to blog about them after the debacle of Band Boy but after last night’s date, which was just too odd not to share… here goes.

We will call Wednesday’s date Mr Bones. He’s a little shorter than me but only a little and what he might lack in height he definitely makes up for in personality. We went for tapas and sangria at the infamous Gans Bar in Camden and spent most of the night either giggling, engaged in chaotic banter or with him showing me his extra bones… and no that is not as dodgy as it sounds. It was a good date and when the last train became a factor, I really didn’t want to leave. I am still giggling over our parting at Camden Town Station as we first witnessed a very drunk girl in a very short skirt fall flat on her face as she walked out of the station. You can’t not laugh at that shit… and she was okay, I promise. Shortly after that my nose ring got stuck up his nose… and I lost every shred of cool I might have managed to build up during the night. It seems not to have phased Mr Bones though as we have plans to meet up on Sunday. So there, you go… you got your mention, cos I know you’re reading this… and just be glad I didn’t decide to nickname you Mini-Me.

Last night’s date was a whole different kettle of fish. I met Comic Boy in a pub in Soho and realised that the pictures he’d posted of himself were from much slimmer days in his past and not reflective of his current state of being. I’m not having a pop at his “fuller figure”, I’m hardly Kate Moss myself, but seriously, it’s just poor form to put up unrepresentative pics. Also he had brought along a comic, because apparently Thursday is comic day, who knew? When he suggested that we move to a different bar, it didn’t seem odd, until it turned out that the different bar was a gay bar. I have no problem with gay bars. I LIKE gay bars. But as a first date venue, it was… odd. Particularly considering that there were Barbies and trolls hanging from the ceiling, the chairs were made out of garden gnomes and you had to go through the mirror ball room to go to the ladies… My brother says he is either insecure or a genius.

Anyway, after a couple of drinks in the pastel blue, fish-tank sporting, floral basement bar, I convinced him that we’d be better off in The Royal George, where they’d at least be playing some indie rock rather than Stevie Wonder. And then began the shuffle. He shuffled closer to me on my seat and I shuffled closer to the edge and he shuffled closer and I shuffled further. Finally he pulled off the highschool style, stretch and put his arm around me. That was when I decided that 10.30 was a very good time for a school night outing to come to a swift end.

Needless to say, I think Comic Boy is out of the picture. Don’t get me wrong, he is a very sweet guy and I had fun hanging out with him, but the night was a little bit avant garde even for me. Sorry dude… hopefully you are NOT reading this.

Mixtape – July ‘09

Posted in Journal on July 31, 2009 by Abbi

Songs for July… and Spotify… mostly… Cosmo Jarvis and Envy On The Coast aren’t on Spotify and they don’t have the Gogol Bordello song I want.

R.E.M., Nightswimming – Probably my favourite R.E.M. song. I heard this in my head every time we swam at night in Newquay.

Dire Straits, Romeo And Juliet – Might be my favourite love song ever. Got it stuck in my head again after watching Empire Records on holiday.

Cosmo Jarvis, Maxine – My new artist to watch. Listen out for Cosmo randomly yelling, “My balls are cold!” in the middle of the song.

Counting Crows, Mercury (Live)  – Full of crying bluesy slide guitars… this is not a song about love…

The Gaslight Anthem, Great Expectations – Proper old school rock… this band is just too fucking cool…

Lovedrug, Doomsday And The Echo – Thanks to Jen for this one. It’s one of those epic, soaring songs that takes you away with it.

Calvin Harris, Acceptable In The 80’s – If there was a song about my style of dress… this would be it.

Gogol Bordello, Start Wearing Purple – This song regularly just arrives in my consciousness without any prompting, which is very cool because then I get to stop and think about Eugene Hutz… mmm…

Dananananakroyd, Watch This! – Any song that starts with a Glaswegian voice yelling, “Hiyah!” has my vote.

Tell Them That She’s Not Scared, Envy On The Coast – I constantly re-fall in love with Envy On The Coast and then jones a particular song and this is the current one.

Always Attract, You Me At Six – I just love this line: “Last night I slept on your side of the bed so it was ready when you got home.” Also this song will always remind me of B.

Film study… week 8

Posted in A - Z of film project, Films on July 30, 2009 by Abbi

Bully
Three suburban teenagers are bullied by their “friend” Bobby (Nick Stahl). They decide that the easiest way to get him out of their lives would be to kill him and manage to convince four of their friends, who have never met him to assist with the murder. Sounds completely far-fetched? Well it’s actually based on a true story. Directed by Larry Clark of Kids fame, the message is once again, “you have no idea what your kids are doing.” Pretty disturbing shit.

White and dirty

You see me rolling, you hate it, cos we're so white and dirty

Cars
More flipping Disney. In this one, the cars have no drivers and they’re all alive. When selfish, shallow race car, Lightning McQueen (voiced by Owen Wilson) ends up in “hillbilly hell”, Radiator Springs he learns the real meaning of friendship and love. It’s worth watching just for the antics of rusted up truck, Mater.

I done forgot my name

I done forgot my name

Cashback
In this adorable Brit indie film, art student, Ben (Sean Biggerstaff) is left with chronic insomnia after his girlfriend, Suzy (Michelle Ryan) dumps him. To try and pass the time he takes a job working the night shift at Sainsbury’s. Here he discovers he can stop time and let his artistic imagination run wild. Gorgeous.

You forgot your bra, love

You forgot your bra, love

Cast Away
A workaholic Fed Ex employee (Tom Hanks) is marooned on an island for four years where he grows a beard, goes loopy and talks to a volleyball before eventually building a raft and being rescued by a ship. He returns home to find out that everyone has moved on without him. Bored witless… how the fuck did this win two Oscars?

I thought about joining Al Qaeda but apparently you need more than just a head scarf

I thought about joining Al Qaeda but apparently you need more than just a head scarf

My life according to Brand New

Posted in Journal, Memes, Music with tags , on July 29, 2009 by Abbi

Clearly it is national internet meme week… I can’t resist this shit, so here goes.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 10 people you like and include me. You can’t use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It’s a lot harder than you think! Repost as “my life according to (band name)”

Pick your artist:
Brand New

Are you a female: Sowing Season (Yeah)

Describe yourself: The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

How do you feel:
You Won’t Know

Describe where you currently live:
Jude Law and a Semester Abroad

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Welcome to Bangkok

Your favourite form of transportation:
Limousine

Your best friend is:
…My Nine Rides Shotgun

You and your best friend are: I Will Play My Game Beneath the Spin Light

What’s the weather like: Not the Sun

Favourite time of day:
The Shower Scene

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Good to Know That If I Ever Need Attention All I Have to Do Is Die

What is life to you: The No Seatbelt Song

Your relationship: Failure by Design

Your fear: Millstone

What is the best advice you have to give: Play Crack The Sky

How would you like to die: Sudden Death in Carolina

Your soul’s present condition: Untitled

Your motto: Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don’t

Take off your colours

Posted in Gig reviews, Music with tags , , on July 29, 2009 by Abbi

Last night B and I went to our last London gig together… You Me At Six at the HMV Forum (yay, something not sponsored by fucking O2!!) . We popped out for a couple of drinks with her work mates before the show so we missed the opening acts, arriving just in time to make friends with some random sixteen year olds before YM@6 came on.

I think we should start without any delusions, You Me At Six, are not the world’s best live band… in fact they sound pretty dodgy live but I’ve said this before so it’s no shock and their largely teenaged audience couldn’t care less and neither could we (although I was baffled by the guys standing behind us who seemed to have paid the £20 admission just to hurl abuse at the stage?). While their raw sound hasn’t improved much, frontman, Josh Franceschi, has come on leaps and bounds in stage presence and general audience management and it’s very hard not to love him charging up and down in a mad man in his shorts. Although B clearly had eyes only for bassist Matt Barnes.

We were treated to new song, Kiss And Tell, due out in September and set to added as a bonus track when debut album, Take Off Your Colours is re-released. Hopefully the single is not an indication of what to expect from the yet untitled sophomore album due for release in early 2010 since it was super-poppy and didn’t display any of the edge that makes YM@6 worth listening to in a swamp of mediocre pop-punk that is prevalent in this space.

I particularly enjoyed their cover of Lady GaGa’s Pokerface… gotta say I like the rocked out version better.

By the time Josh got his sister, Elissa (who arguably has the better voice of the two) out, to perform ballade, Always Attract, B and I had realised the full implications of her departure today and we ended up wailing and clinging to each other, probably puzzling all those around us. They finished up with Save It For The Bedroom and Rumours, sending the audience into an absolute frenzy.

The band is due to tour the States next, so watch out for American teeny-bopper chaos.

Pics are here.

The quiz that must be done

Posted in Journal with tags , on July 28, 2009 by Abbi

A little bit of Quzzitch from Miss Lucy… this one really made me think… go on… do it…

1. For a person you loved deeply, would you be willing to move to a distant country knowing there would be little chance of seeing your friends or family again?
I’d like to say yes, but probably not. It depends on which country it is… if I have to be covered up and keep my mouth shut, I think I’d rather stay where I am.

2. Do you believe in ghosts and evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a remote house that is supposedly haunted?
I do. I never did until I lived in a haunted flat.  I don’t think I’d be too keen on a night alone, especially since there doesn’t seem to be a reward at the end.

3. If you could spend one year in perfect happiness but afterward would remember nothing of the experience, would you do so?
This is a no-brainer. What would you have to lose?

4. If a new medicine was developed that would cure arthritis but cause a fatal reaction in 1% of those who took it, would you want it to be released to the public?

Well that’s about the risk of most drugs, isn’t it. So yes.

5. You discover your wonderful 1 yr old child is, because of a mixup at the hospital, not yours. Would you want to exchange the child to try to correct the mistake?
I don’t think blood connects people on a higher level than jut normal love so no, I don’t think so but it would be nice to have access to the child and I’d allow the other set of parents access to my child.

6. Do you think the world will be a better or a worse place 100 years from now?
Every generation has it’s problems… some things are better, some are worse and everything kind of balances out and goes in cycles.

7. Would you rather be a member of a world championship team or be the champion of an individual sport? What sport would you choose?
Part of a team. I think having everything resting on me would be stressful and a bit lonesome. I don’t know what sport I’d choose… there are not all that many sports that don’t leave you looking like a man. Maybe synchronised swimming, lol!

8. Would you accept $1 million to leave the country and never set foot in it again?
Nope. This is my home. I really do want to travel but I want to be able to come back here and settle, definitely.  Money is just money.

9. Which sex do you think has it easier in our culture? Have you ever wishes you were of the opposite sex?
In our culture. Well, I think there are still some stereotypes that need to be broken down and a lot of individuals who behave in a sexiest manner and perpetuate these stereotypes but as a whole I think there are advantages and disadvantages to both. I’d love to be a boy for a couple of year but I’d be a USELESS boy. I’d still have big hair and wear skinny jeans and eyeliner…

10. You are given the power to kill people simply by thinking of their deaths and twice repeating the word “goodbye.” People would die a natural death and no one would suspect you. are there any situations in which you would use this power?
Only in the situation where myself or someone I love was in direct threat of harm. I’d find it incredibly hard to live with someone else’s death on my conscience.

11. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the body or the mind of a 30 yr old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Definitely the mind. The body is just a vessel.

12. What would constitute a “perfect” evening for you?

Getting to see one of the bands I truly love and admire… someone like Envy On The Coast or Brand New or Gogol Bordello in a tiny venue. One the size of something like the Barfly, where the band actually sweats on you with a gorgeous rock boy who adores me. Getting gently, happy drunk on something delicious and then getting to go somewhere with all my friends that plays fab music so I can dance till I’m exhausted before getting to crawl into bed with aforementioned boy.

13. Would you rather be extremely successful professionally & have a tolerable yet unexciting private life, or have an extremely happy private life and only a tolerable and uninspiring professional life?

I would want the exciting private life. Work is cool but it’s just work. In a way I already have this and I’m pretty satisfied, now all I need is that boy from the “perfect” night.

14. Whom do you admire most? In what way does that person inspire you?
Tim Burton because I feel at home in the dark recesses of his consciousness and because he brought the weird, macabre and misfit out of the closet and proved that there is a bit of a freak in all of us. Eugene Hütz for being the ultimate survivor, artist and poet. Who doesn’t want to be THAT naturally cool.  And finally tattoo artist, Kat Von D because she broke into a really male dominated field and kicked ass. She also proved that women with lots of tattoos can still be sexy, beautiful and feminine.

15. If at birth you could select the profession your child would eventually pursue, would you do so?
Why on earth would I want that?

16. Would you be willing to become extremely ugly physically if it meant you would live for 1,000 years at any physical age you chose?
No interest in living for 1,000 years. I think I’d be bored witless.

17. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one ability or quality, what would it be?
I want to be musical. I’m sure it would be far more beneficial to the human race if I developed co-ordination, will power or just a general ability to be less sarcastic or obsessive about the things I care about. But really I just want to wake up and play guitar.

18. You have the chance to meet someone with whom you can have the most satisfying love imaginable- the stuff of dreams. Sadly, you know that in 6 months the person will die. Knowing the pain that would follow, would you still want to meet the person and fall in love?I’ve actually come relatively close to this scenario and as horrific as recovering from it was, I don’t regret it for a second, so yes. A thousand times yes.

19. What if you knew your lover would not die, but instead would betray you?
I need more info here. Are we talking one random drunken shag or a full-blown affair? I think I’d take the first but not the second.

20. If you knew of a way to use your estate, following your death, to greatly benefit humanity, would you do it and leave only a minimal amount to your family?
Totally. I come from a family where we look after ourselves. Although I know my parents would leave me whatever they could I expect nothing from them and wouldn’t begrudge them leaving their estates to a worthy cause.

21. Do you prefer being around men or women? Do your closest friends tend to be men or women?
I can’t put down a clear preference here. I have formed very close friendships with both men and women and I love being around both for different reasons.

22. If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose, would you?
No.

23. While on a trip to another city, your spouse (or lover) meets and spends the night with an exciting stranger. Given that they will never meet again, and that you will not otherwise learn of the incident, would you want your partner to tell you about it?
Nope. I don’t want to know. In this case ignorance is bliss.

24. If the roles were reversed, would you reveal what you had done?
Actually I probably would because the guilt would eat me alive. Talk about double standards, huh?

25. Are there people you envy enough to want to trade lives with them?
Hell no! I wake up every single morning and I’m THRILLED to be me. There is no one on earth I’d rather be.

26. For an all expense paid 1 week vacation anywhere in the world, would you be willing to kill a beautiful butterfly by pulling off its wings?
Yes. Sorry butterfly…

27. What about stepping on a cockroach?
I’d just step on the cockroach anyway. I don’t need a reward as motivation.

28. Would you be willing to murder an innocent person if it would end hunger in the world?
I think I’d respect someone else’s decision to do so but I don’t think I could do it myself.

29. If God appeared to you in a series of vivid and moving dreams and told you to leave everything behind, travel alone to the Red Sea and become a fisherman, what would you do?
Take less hallucinogenic drugs.

30. What if you were told to sacrifice your child?

As above.

31. What is your most treasured memory?
Probably the first time I met my ex, Van. What followed was absolutely disastrous but it was the most intense connection I’ve ever made with another human being.

32. Have you ever hated anyone? If so, why and for how long?
Hate as in wanting to kill them? No. I refuse to let anyone have that much control of my feelings.

33. Would you rather be given $10,000 for your own use or $100,000 to give anonymously to strangers?
Show me the money…  sorry anonymous strangers.

34. If you knew there would be nuclear war in 1 week, what would you do?
Dance, drink, fuck, fight… tell everyone I love them.

35. Would you accept 20 years of extraordinary happiness and fulfillment if it meant you would die at the end of the period?
Definitely.

36. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

I’m not sure I’ve accomplished anything great yet. Watch this space though…

37. Is there anything you hope to do that is even better?

If I get to a point where I can write for a living then I’ll be satisfied. I’m not even talking published or on the best-seller list. I’d be happy with doing copy for fricking flyers and being my own boss.

38. Would you give up half of what you now own for a pill that would permanently change you so that 1 hour of sleep each day would fully refresh you?
Sleep has always seemed like such an incredible waste of time to me and since I own virtually nothing, half of that is very little, so yes, bring me my pills.

39. If you knew you could devote yourself to any single occupation- music, writing, acting, business, politics, medicine, etc- and be among the best and most successful in the world at it, what would you choose?

Writing. Duh! Although being the most successful and the best makes me think that you’d be producing something so banal that the average loser in the street likes it. I don’t want to be the Leona Lewis of literature. Can I rather have enough indie cult success to live a sort of comfortable life?

40. If you knew you had only a 10% chance of being so successful would you still put in the effort?
Welcome to my life.

41. If you went to a dinner party and were offered a dish you had never tried, would you want to taste it even if it sounded strange and not very appealing?
My mother taught me that you can’s say you don’t like something unless you taste it. I will taste pretty much anything within reason.

42. Do your close friends tend to be older or younger than you?
Mostly younger really. I think I have a very young spirit.
43. If the person you were engaged to marry had an accident and became a parapelegic, would you go through with the marriage or back out of it?
Real love is about the mind and the soul. If I loved them enough to actually agree to get married then yes.

44. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire; after saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any 1 item. What would it be?
Mine laptop… where all the drafteses of my works are.
45. How would you react if you were to learn that your mate had had a lover of the same sex before you knew each other?
I’m a weirdo, I’d think that was awesome. Are there pictures? ;)

Me readings

Posted in Journal with tags on July 28, 2009 by Abbi

Stolen from here.

Rules: Don’t take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you’ve read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Tag friends.

Warning: I am VERY badly read…

  1. Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
  2. A Million Little Pieces – James Frey
  3. Watership Down – Richard Adams
  4. Neverwhere – Neil Gaiman
  5. Die Eerste Lewe van Adamastor – Andre Brink
  6. Country Of My Skull – Antje Krog
  7. Kringe In Die Bos – Dalene Mathee
  8. Where the Wild Things Are – Maurice Sendak
  9. The Birth Of Venus – Sarah Dunant
  10. The Colour Purple – Alice Walker
  11. Forever – Judy Blume
  12. Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
  13. Harry Potter (as a series) – JK Rowling
  14. The Power of One – Bryce Courtenay
  15. Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte

Not sure who to tag who Jen already hasn’t… so um, anyone who reads… just dooooo it!

My worst nightmare

Posted in Journal, London life with tags , , on July 28, 2009 by Abbi

I am sad to report that my beautiful, amazing friend, Belinda AKA B is leaving for South Africa on Wednesday, due to visa restrictions. B and I haven’t been friends for that long. We met randomly via Hilton about 18 months ago on a night out and there were quite a few incidents thereafter where we were at the same place at the same time before one fateful night where I convinced B to come and see HIM with me at the last minute when my gig buddy for the night bailed on me.

From that night, I realised I had found a partner in crime. Although B and I are very different we have a similar “fuck it” spirit. The kind of spirit that says, “I have no idea what’s going on here or who these people are, but let’s find out”… an adventure spirit. It was this meeting of minds that had us touring around London, attending nineteen gigs, watching a series of odd indie films and generally being up for anything.

To be honest with you, I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do without B. My life is going to be very quiet and somewhat lonelier without her.

B… it’s been the best time ever and I’m going to miss you more than I have words to tell you. Now, please go and give those Saffas hell and always keep the music with you.

Mid-week gig selfie

Mid-week gig selfie

We weren't always sober

We weren't always sober

Focused on the band... as we should be!

Focused on the band... as we should be!

Lookit… I’ve won the Burkino Faso national lottery

Posted in Journal with tags , on July 27, 2009 by Abbi

FROM THE EMAIL LOTTERY PROMOTION AWARD COMITEE

NATIONAL LOTTERY OF BURKINA FASO

AFFILIATE OF NATIONAL LOTTERY UNITED KINGDOM

AVENUE CHRLES DE GUILE

OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO

MOTTO : CELEBRATING THE DIFFERENCE YOU’VE MADE

€850,000.00 EMAIL SELECTION AWARD WINNING  PRIZE 2009

!!!!!CONGRATULATION!!!!

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(1) TICKET NUMBER: 857-58-34-001-6358

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which consequently won in the 2nd category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum payment of €850,000.00 (Eight Hundred and fifty Thousand Euros).

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Edgar The Dragon Slayer – part 7

Posted in Flash fiction, Journal with tags , , on July 27, 2009 by Abbi

When we arrive to meet Aslef, my dad and I are both looking… unhealthy. Our one nightcap swiftly ended up being a bottle of whisky. My dad fished out some photos he had of The Truth, his band, from the eighties with him and my mum in their heyday and we poured over them while I listened to him reminisce about touring and the adventures they had together. In the past I had always blown off any attempts by my dad to tell me about his rock ‘n roll lifestyle but with the whisky in me, I found myself being swept up in the craziness of it all, until 3am.

Today I just feel like a troll’s been sleeping in my mouth. My dad has the hood of his jumper pulled over his head and is refusing to make eye contact with anyone. I don’t think he’s been awake this early in the morning in about twenty years. This time we don’t have to signal Aslef. He’s waiting for us.

“Where’s Elle?” I immediately ask.
I hear muffled swearing from under one of Aslef’s wings and the sound of someone struggling.
“Oi,” yelps Aslef. “You don’t ‘ave to kick! Eddie, I gotta tell ya, yer missus is even crazier than yer mum!”
My dad pulls back his hood and says, “That’s my wife you’re talking about and I think if we could just see the young lady maybe everyone would be calmer… and maybe a lot quieter.”
Aslef sighs and lifts his wing. Elle appears with a look like a thundercloud on her face.
“Aslef,” she spits. “Do you have any idea what dragon armpit smells like? Not good!”
She spots me and her eyes light up. “Eddie…”
But before I can run to her, Aslef lowers his wing.
“She’s still an ‘ostage, mate.”
“How are you going to fly with her under your wing anyway?” I ask. “Once we’re up in the air it’s not like we can go anywhere, is it?”
“You lot can bloody argue, can’t you? Alright then, get on,” he says.

Riding a dragon is not as simple as it might sound. Aslef is so bony that it’s like sitting on a ridge of rocks and I have to keep an eye firmly fixed on my dad because he keeps nodding off and starting to slide down the side of Aslef’s neck. Even so, I have never been happier because Elle is sitting behind me, with her arms wrapped around me. It’s only been a week but I have missed everything about her… way she smells, her laugh, her skin.
“What the hell is going on?” she whispers into my neck. “Where is your mother?”
“Where should I start?” I ask.
“Aslef has explained the background details to me. Your family is even more mental that I thought possible.”
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“Don’t be,” she says. “As horrible as living in a basement with a dragon who farts fire and tells stories about biting the heads of knights I doubt existed, this is probably the most exciting thing that ever happened to me.”
“Oh god, you’re one of them,” I say.
“Eddie, I was always one of them,” says Elle. “Although you might not realise it, that’s why you like me. Now, where is your mother?”
“She and dad had a little failing out, with regards to the actual deal. She’s not exactly speaking to either of us right now and she has the book but she’s taking the train and meeting us there.”
“Good heavens,” says Elle. “No wonder your dad’s in such a state, the two of them are inseparable.”
“Do you think we’ll be like that one day?” I ask her.
She smiles into my neck, “If you continue with all if this knight is shining armour stuff, then we might just be. You’re kind of sexy when you’re in rescue mode.”
“When this is all over, I promise you we can go travelling through South America like you always wanted and I won’t whine about the mortgage or tropical diseases or not speaking Spanish.”
“Your dad’s about to fall off again,” says Elle. “You better grab him.”

When we arrive at the Forest Of Dean, my mother is already standing there leaning against a tree, holding the book against her chest.
“I thought you were never going to turn up,” she says.
“Ruby,” says my dad, grinning.
“Did he have to come,” says my mother.
My father’s face reminds me of a kicked puppy.
“Ruby, please,” he says.
“Leonard, I have nothing to say to you. I just want to get Elle back and move on with my life.”
She turns to Elle. “Are you alright, sweetheart? That brute hasn’t been mistreating you, has he?”
“No, Rubes,” says Elle. “I’m fine.”
“Enough of the lollygagging,” says Aslef. “I want to get on with me life as well, alrigh’?”

Aslef leads us to a clearing surrounded by giant oak trees before opening his wings wide and lifting his head to the sky. He opens his mouth and lets out a piercing screech that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Elle clutches my arm more in shock than anything else.

“Who goes there?” booms a massive voice.
“Aslef, the mighty wing,” Aslef shouts back.
“You are banished,” replies the voice. “You cannot gain passage here.”
“I ‘ave the book,” says Aslef.
There is a flapping sound like many huge wings and four dragons land in front of us.
“Humans?” booms one of them. “Aslef, you dare to bring humans to our sanctuary. This is not acceptable.”
“Calm down, Rilor,” says Aslef. “They’re me captives.”
“I am no one’s captive,” snaps my mother. “And I’m the one who has your book.”
“Explain yourself, female!” says another dragon.
“That would be Ruby Truman,” says my mother. “Look to cut a long story short, Aslef kidnapped, Elle here to pay back a debt that my idiot husband made with him years ago. Aslef then agreed to swap Elle for this book which he gambled away to some trolls. I got it back but the trolls are on our tail and I’m not handing it over until you lot guarantee us some protection. Got it?”