Does this look infected?

Last night B and I revisited what is fast becoming a Wednesday tradition of half-price cinema and dinner. While we could easily have gone to see Wolverine (which I definitely am interested in) we decided to stick to our plan of seeing more unusual films and picked Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel.

The film follows Ray, Toby and Pete, three very average guys spending what appears to an evening in the pub. However, when time travel obsessed, Ray, meets a woman who claims to be visiting from 150 years in the future to fix a time leak, things take a more unusual turn. Toby and Pete are convinced Ray’s new acquaintance is a prostitute until Pete visits the bathroom only to reappear in a future where the pub full of dead bodies. With the time leak uncovered, the trio set off on an adventure with disastrous and often very humorous consequences.

Sound bizarre? Well it was. It’s some kind of mad hybrid between Doctor Who and Shaun Of The Dead. While it feels like the film somehow missed the mark, if you have the right kind of off-kilter geeky sense of humour, you’ll probably enjoy it as much as we did. Worth watching for nothing else if not, Ray, Toby and Pete’s attempts to recreate the exact bathroom circumstances that appear to have activated the time leak.

In other news, I am being driven slowly insane by the new security system at work. We now have to scan ourselves in and out of reception into the two sides of the office. Annoying in itself but bearable if the goddamn door didn’t make this weird little beeping noise every time you went through it. You have to scan the door to go to the kitchen and so it beeps constantly. Thank heaven for headphones.

Also the mansion is stocking up on ecinacea and vitamin c since Barb, Hilton, Ant and Tino have just returned from holiday in… Mexico. They weren’t anywhere near the outbreak and no one is showing any symptoms but one might as well take some precautionary measures.  Thanks to Michelle who has informed us all of the origins of the epidemic.

Mixtape – April ‘09

I’ve stolen this concept from Band Boy, who I’ve discovered publishes a monthly Mix Tape… a kind of list of which songs have been playing over and over in the past month. A bandwagon I can get onto, excellent! Of course he does a TV Guide and a Reading List as well but since I only ever really watch Doctor Who and I can’t read more than one book at a time, I’ma just stick with the music. Having spent two weeks in Aus, I’ve listened to less music than I normally would so the list is kinda short but here we go:

Ludo, The Horror Of Our Love – This has got to be THE sickest, darkest love song I have ever heard and it is probably singularly responsible for how bloody thirsty what I’ve been writing lately is.

Furthest Drive Home, Don’t You Worry – They release this insane 80’s rock epic as a B-side and then split up. WTF? I can’t believe you did this to me, Tommy!

Fall Out Boy, 20 Dollar Nosebleed – Brendon Urie’s cameo on this is nuts. I want to hug this song.

Faith No More, Epic – They’re back together and on tour. Huzzah!

From First To Last, Ride The Wings Of Pestilence – I’ve been listening to this obsessively for six months. Can’t really explain it. Pity FFTL is basically a complete write-off sans Sonny Moore.

The Cribs, I’m A Realist – Reminds me of 90’s Britpop and therefore takes me back to my teens (and yes I can remember that far back).

Ratatat, Loud Pipes – Sent to me by the famous Lyndon and on rotation ever since

Sonny Moore, Skrillex – Who ever would have thought Sonny would end up doing electro?? Can someone please kick his record company into gear so he actually releases something and I can stop stalking his MySpace…

Say Anything, I Got Your Money (Cover) – Give Bemis his MF money!

Flo Rida, Low – Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the furrrrr… this fucking song is stalking me.

Small Sins, Stay – These lyrics make me think of someone… rather smugly…

Jimi Hendrix, All Along The Watchtower – If I tell you how this got stuck in my head, you’ll think I’ve gone mental so I’m just not telling…

Of course now I turn it over to all of you. What’s on your mix tape for April? Leave me a comment or do one of your own and I’ll link you up. If you’re listening to Taylor Swift though, it might mean the end of a friendship, so don’t tell me…

This isn’t about you at all

Flash 22
Prompt: This isn’t about you at all
Characters: Unnamed
Author’s comments: Listening to a lot of Ludo so my entire subconscious is riddled with blood imagery

The blood is caked into my hairline and it has already dried into dark, scabby chunks. I look at my streaked face in the mirror. As much I have gotten used to the routine, I still find the sight of someone else’s blood on my body strange. No longer frightening. No longer disgusting. Just… odd.

These days I rarely end up covered in blood. I know how to minimise the damage, wait until they’re asleep and then just one simple slip of the knife. Before they even know they’ve been done I’m out. No fingerprints and no evidence on them or me.

But this one, he was a fighter. I step back from the mirror to take in my whole body. The bloody smears on arms. The handprints on my on my breasts and stomach. First he had clawed trying to stop me and then, when it was already too late, he had clutched at me begging for his life.

It was my own fault. He was such a pretty, young, little thing that I made the mistake as I watched him sleep of wondering for a second why anyone would want him dead. I had leaned over him and hesitated before I drew the knife, just long enough for him to open his eyes in confusion. I obviously hadn’t drugged him enough either. I’m used to eliminating sleepy old men, not twenty-two year old boys. I’ll remember next time.

If it wasn’t a job, I probably would have liked the kid… with his impossibly innocent eyes and broad smile. It was the first time I actually enjoyed the seduction in years. There were whole moments where I forgot all my flirtations were just a means to an end. With a mark this young, I can only imagine a jealous sibling or step-parent hired the firm to get rid of him as an obstacle to an inheritance. Like It matters.

I’ve cleaned up his room. Now it’s just the blood on my hands that needs to be wiped clean. I step into his shower and let the warm water run over my hair, washing away my sins in pink streaks down the drain.

Call me Coma Joe

I appear to have accidentally completely erased my jetlag in one simple step… that really shouldn’t have worked. After getting home at about 8am yesterday (after my flight got in an hour and a half early, I queued behind a man in a snakeskin jumpsuit, got let back into the country by an immigration agent who did not say a single word to me including “hello” and struggled to find my pre-booked cab driver since he spoke approximately 4 words of English), I quickly caught up with Kel and Mich and had a shower (oh the redeeming power of the hot shower). That has to be the longest sentence in the English language. Anyway, we had lunch at Sue’s house and then I decided to have a little nap. The plan was to sleep from 5 ‘til 7 and then get up, have dinner, noodle around and then go back to bed at about midnight.

I’m still not sure what actually happened, whether my alarm just failed to go off or I slept through it, but I woke up bewildered at… 1AM!! I seriously contemplated crying, absolutely convinced that I had fucked up any chances of getting over the jetlag in the space of a weekend. So I watched an episode of Doctor Who and mentally kicked myself and thought about physically kicking my CrackBerry. But by the end of the episode I was so sleepy that I figured I’d just sleep as much as a could and see what happened. Cue waking up at 7 this morning… 14 hours in one session. It’s probably the most I’ve ever slept in one go but I appear to be back to London time.

Have spent the day shopping with Dawn. It’s amazing how quickly you get back to your normal routine! On the way to meet her in Earlsfield I passed a group of punks lurking on the Wandle River Bridge (maybe they got lost on the way to Camden). They immediately started shouting at me. I’m still not sure if they were hurling abuse or compliments at me. If anyone knows what, “Jesus Christ she looks like two of your buttons” means, I’d appreciate an interpretation. Bought two amazing pairs of plastic Tom Wolfe leggings from a shop that was going into liquidation. My attempts to look like an 80’s flashback continue unbounded.

Tomorrow back to work and proper normality. I promise normality for the blog as well… flash fiction and skills cloud to follow.

Time travel… and no sight of The Doctor

I’ve been time-travelling. That’s right kids, I’m in LA and it’s technically two hours earlier than I left Sydney, even though I’ve been on a thirteen hour flight. No Tardis required… just a 17 hour time difference.

Of course, since it’s me… it’s been entertaining. Ended up wedged between a woman so fat that we couldn’t really have the arm-rest down (thought about stabbing her) and an American girl about my age who cried for most of the flight. I kept up my usual bizarre ability to get people to unburden their secrets to me (whether I want them to or not) and the girl told me that she was leaving her Australian fiancé after a month-long visit and would not see him again until he visited her in June. She then went on to explain that they met in December and got engaged after a week and their only actual time together has been three visits. He doesn’t want to move to Baltimore. She doesn’t want to move to Sydney. I nodded and smiled quietly thinking that she was setting herself up for a life of drama. Then she asked me for advice. Help!! I’m not even sure what I told her… I was so spaced out.

On arrival in LA, I ended up having a smoke with a very sweet member of the Paparazzi who was waiting for some American celebrity I’d never heard of. I swear I have a stamp on my forehead that says, “talk to me”.

Now we wait to board to return to the glorious Londres. I am surviving only by the grace of the giagantimongous Starbucks frappe thingamagiggy I bought with the last five American dollars I had on me…

To Sydney… with love

My Sydney adventure is almost at an end and I’m pleased to say my last two evenings have been very beer-based.

Last night Jen and I decided to go on a guided tour of the pubs in The Rocks (the area where convicts and their keepers first settled in Sydney). We were surprised to discover that we were the only two people on the tour. The 50-ish male guide seemed quite happy with the circumstances and took us to three pubs telling us the history from orgies to murders to dungeons for keeping your assigned convict in while you drank. I had my misgivings at the start but the guide was great and the tour was very interesting. It also proved to us that boys never grow up. When our guide’s friend called him during the tour, he told him that he was with two lovely young girls who “would do anything.” Siiigh…

Tonight we headed into the city with Jen’s mum and dad to the beer hall pub for traditional German food, beer and an oompah band. It was great fun and it made me realise just how much I’m going to miss not only Jen but her family too. Oreo seems to know that I am leaving. She has been all over me all day. She follows me everywhere and keeps nudging my hand so I’ll cuddle her. Reminds me how much I miss having pets.

I’ve been so lucky to have not only a tireless personal tour-guide who puts up with all of my crap, but also a little Sydney family that treated me as if I were one of their own and a group of friends that welcomed me with open arms. You guys all rock and you can come and visit me in London anytime.

Meet the pole dancing blacksmith…

Last night Jen and I had intentions of going on a guided pub crawl through Sydney but being us, we completely bungled the times and ended up all dressed up with nowhere to go. Again being us, we figured all that glam couldn’t go to waste and so we decided to go out anyway and what an interesting evening it was.

We started out with cocktails at Jacksons… always the way to go… cocktails before 6pm. From there, dinner at a gorgeous little Italian restaurant necking Pinot Grigio and skindering (gossiped for the non-Saffas) in Afrikaans about the odd couple next to us… a balding British man and a scared looking Asian girl who could speak very little English… hmm…

Finally we ended up back at the 3 Wise Monkeys to check out the band and it was there where we met the mad Blacksmith. Despite the fact that he was on a blind date with a Russian girl (fortunately being keep amused by his friend who knew her before), he settled himself across from Jen and I, grinned at me and said, “long time no see.” Sorry, sweetheart, that line doesn’t work on girls who don’t actually live in the same country you do. None of this seemed to dissuade him and he continued to flirt outrageously with me while regaling us with the all the possible details of being a blacksmith. To be honest with you I had no idea that being a blacksmith was still an option post the 19th century, but anyway I know way more about the melting points and rusting and behaviour of various metals then I ever did before.

Then the band struck up, three guys in matching outfits with the singer standing behind a mini-drum kit playing the cheesiest possible rock classics. Sigh… the blacksmith wasn’t complaining though. He made attempts to get Jen and I onto the dance floor but we weren’t having it so he took off on his own. It was like watching a car crash. There was a lot of arm waving and booty-shaking. Seriously all the boy needed was a pole and he could have been centre-stage at Spearmint Rhino. I’ve never seen a man dance like that and I was in no way surprised when his friend told us that he gets a lot of offers from gay men.

Having realised that he wasn’t going to get anywhere with me (sorry dude, I like my Band Boy better), the blacksmith moved onto trying it on with Jen, who was getting on quite well with his friend (now that the Russian girl had gone off it a huff). There’s only one name for that kind of guy… Meat Seeking Missile. He proceeded to ruin any chances of his friend and Jen possibly taking things any further by yelling out, “ask her out” at the top of his lungs. Nice one, dumbass. Unfortunately this was just as we had to leave to get the last train. So we swanned out giggling, leaving the boys to enjoy their evening… alone…

Tonight… pub crawl…

Anyone want to come over for tea?

It’s been an interesting couple of days. On Sunday Jen and I went and met my friend Stono in Leichart. She invited us to come and see her perform at The Ever Burning Light Squat. It was a real eye-opener. The Ever Burning Light Squat is literally a squat. Now while I admire anyone who had strong beliefs and is committed to living within them, there is no way I could ever live illegally in a filthy building with a bunch of other randoms. It just doesn’t fit in with my beliefs.

We were made to feel very welcome and Stono and her friend, Jack’s performances were very cool. I also really liked vocalist, Leish AKA She The Wolf and the bizarrely trippy, electro set played by an unnamed band just before we left. They played one 45 minute long instrumental song on an array of unidentifiable instruments. They may have to consider breaking things up a bit for future performances but it was impressively funky.

One downside of the experience was wandering through Leichart pre-gig in red satin leggings I got way more “go home freak” stares than I’m used to. Two guys actually stopped mid-convo and the one turned to the other and said “what is that?” I won’t miss that when I get back to judgement-free London.

Today I headed into Newtown with Jen and her friend Lizzie for some shopping. What we didn’t realise was that on Monday most of the shops in Newtown are closed… boo! I did find an incredible pair of black leggings with these white light explosions on them. They’re the leggings of DESTINY.

Encountered yet another oddly named Australian product… seriously?

Before ending up back in the Cupcake Bakery, where this time we couldn’t resist buying a dozen cupcakes. I’m not entirely sure how we’re going to eat them all, but aren’t they pretty?

The Katoomba connection

Today I headed to a town called Katoomba in the Blue Mountains with Jen and her family. Apart from the beauty of the mountains, I was particularly interested in Katoomba because the street I lived on in Johannesburg for 19 years was called Katoomba and in honour my dad named the bar in our house “The Blue Mountain Inn” so I wanted to see where the name came from.

We stopped at a reserve called Scenic World where we got to take a 415m drop in a down a railway tunnel into the ancient rainforest surrounding what was once a coal mine and is now a world heritage sight. From there we had a wander along the scenic walkway, which is a wooden platform in amongst the trees before catching the cable car back up to the top. It was like visiting another world.

After that we went for a bit of an adventure drive in Jen’s mum’s Nissan Pathfinder (which Jen has affectionately nicknamed, The Antichrist) up to Stanmore Top in South Sydney for yet some more amazing views. It appears you can hang-glide from up there, which I can believe since the wind was fierce. Check out Jen and her mum being blown away!

Tomorrow we are off to a punk festival to meet Stono, a girl I got to know through an online writing community called MondayEyes. She’s performing… exciting!

Basking at Bondi

The sightseeing continued today with a trip on the Bondi Explorer bus to see the bays of Sydney from Rushcutters to Coogee stopping at the famous Bondi in between. We were fortunate enough to get a fascinating tour guide called Glen who not only whistled his way through the tour but also regaled us with tales of weddings he’d attended, gave us his opinions on what would have happened if the French arrived in Sydney before the British and pointed out random dogs wandering down the beachfront.

We spent some time ambling around Bondi Beach admiring the surfers, splashing around in the waves and soaking up a little sun.

Welcome to Bondi Beach

Riding the waves

After that it was back to the city to get cupcakes at the Cupcake Bakery in celebration of Mat Devine’s 35th birthday. How gorgeous are these? All the bakery makes is cupcakes and you can even buy giant ones for special occasions. I’m trying to figure out some kind of excuse to go back there since cupcakes are right up there on my list of things worth living for.

Choc mint for Jen, carrot for me

We followed that up with a wander down Oxford Street where I was somewhat puzzled by the signage…

The Lick-Her Store is not a strip club, it's a bottle store

The Tool Shed is not a hardware shop, it's a gay sex shop

The House Of Fetish is not a sex shop, it's a Goth Clothing Store

Jen then introduced me to Aus’ answer to Topshop, Sportsgirl. Big mistake. I came out with a pair of bright blue and black stonewashed jeans, a large purple plastic ring in the shape of a rose, a vintage zebra print purse and a pair of red satin leggings. In my defence there was a sale on and the lot only cost me $85. Still wearing the ring now.

Our final stop on the tour was the independent Palace Theatre where we watched a Swedish vampire film called, Let The Right One In. I’m not sure how to describe it… I supposed bizarre is the best word. I’m not afraid to admit that it might have been just a little too avant garde for me.

Tomorrow we are sleeping in!